Welcome to .............A Piece of My Mind

This is my first blog - ever. I have decided to jump in boots and all to share my story.

I have always loved writing - I kept a "Dear Diary" journal from about the age of 8 all the way until I was about 21 and got married. I threw them away because I was afraid someone would read my secrets. So now I rely on memory to reconnect to what was important to me back then.

What is important to me now is healing. I have been ill and incapacitated for 4 1/2 years as the result of systemic and relentless bullying. In January 2019 I had a complete mental breakdown that has led to the collapse of Audrey's world.

Before this breakdown I had a successful corporate career for decades in both South Africa and Australia. I worked hard and earned good money. I was known as the person who you gave difficult transformation programs to - the harder it was and the more people said it was impossible - the more I itched to find strategies and solutions. I was always energetic, busy and had a jam-packed agenda filled with challenging projects. There was lots of travel and dealing with literally thousands of people who were my customers. I had enormous resilience and could face anything with courage and chutzpah. I had a wide circle of friends, one special best friend I interacted with daily, and my social life was full and rewarding.

My partner Brendan and I rented a beautiful apartment on the water in Sydney, we had great holidays, and could afford to enjoy the rewards of hard work.

I never felt fear and persistence was my middle name.

Fast forward to now - I am unable to work at all. I am an isolated recluse with very few people I let into my world. I have big trust issues and experience social anxiety all the time. My best friend ghosted me and I don't know why (I have tried repeatedly to reach out but he has never responded). I am heavily medicated and constantly battle to sleep. I eat irregularly, I don't exercise and I have picked up 25 kilograms. Besides complex PTSD, major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder, I have developed all kinds of other health challenges. I am pre-diabetic, my cholesterol was very high (I have managed to reduce it a bit in the last few months), I experience blackouts, my digestive system is on high alert with constant diarrhea. I have Crohn's disease. My lizard brain runs on adrenaline and cortisol 24x7.

I am in the middle of a legal battle regarding my disability insurance and money has become a constant worry. My whole life I have always had enough money to live a very comfortable lifestyle - now a visit to the vet or exorbitant medical bills are a source of anxious rumination. Brendan and I have had to downscale our lifestyle seriously to a little cottage, we have borrowed furniture, I drive a much older car and there are no frills. Holidays are a thing of the past.

So all this paints a dismal picture of someone with serious mental health issues, a body that has systemically collapsed, a dire financial situation and a life that is a lot less comfortable than before.

Why blog about this?

Three main reasons.

1. If you or someone you know is suffering from mental health challenges - you are not alone. Talking about it helps. Making it real helps. This is not a taboo subject but one that should be part of a daily conversation. Also, get help. Without my GP and Psychiatrist, I would long ago have given in to my suicidal ideation. They have literally kept me alive. Them, Brendan, my friend Darren and my beautiful Basset Hound Ziggy. The love of an animal is the only way I know of experiencing unconditional love.

2. Ask people “are you OK?” Be brave enough to start the discussion.

3. The only thing that has gotten me out of bed and doing anything at all has been my art therapy. I started painting in September 2022 by doing an online course through Art2Life - and since then have been showing up to my art whenever possible. Sometimes that might be a few hours a week sometimes weeks go by without touching a paintbrush. I have been trying to express my emotions and my depression in images.

My art is very tentative and irregular, but is a small Stepping stone.

If you have a similar story I would love you to comment here or share it to abdiversityinc@gmail.com. I will send you a print of one of my paintings as a thank you.

Here’s to keeping the conversation going and to healing.

With much love

Audrey